Reading by @thecosmicpath
omfg, this reading could not possibly be more on point. i have to share with you all the difficult but inspiring soul journey i have been on the past few days. i have shaken in fear with the energy that has been directed at me, but i refused not take responsibility (on a spiritual level) for why i drew this into my life. i know the universe is conspiring FOR me. i know this, i freaking preach this to everyone around me! but this was a true test of my belief…
many of you know about the viral success of my remineralizing toothpaste. it’s sold out many times and there have been weeks where we have sold 500 units in a single week! the success was driven solely by people’s experiences and positive reviews of it. i would say i’ve had about 60-70 customers tell me they have healed with it. things from cavities, to gum issues, to tooth sensitivity. i had never fancied myself a toothpaste expert, but i rode the wave!
the toothpaste blew up to the extent where we gained the attention of the folks behind some of the biggest holistic companies in the world. after visiting and attending meetings, we were advised to move to boulder co. i was unsure but surrendered and asked for signs. that night, i had a dream of us moving into a triangle house. it came to me as a house that was slightly more expensive than we were looking for, but i was being asked to trust and to sign the lease as an affirmation of trust. i felt in my dream that it would be our dream house, and that we would only be led to it by having high standards and not settling on ANYTHING.
a few days later we found the little a-frame right on the mountain, in the nicest neighborhood in town, walking distance from the downtown area (and a pharmaca and whole foods!) 3 is a sacred number and a sign to me… and the address is 3111 3rd street. (my birthday is 3-1-1991 ; notice there are three 1s and two nines which is 3x3).
now i want to fast forward a month later to the end of last week. we have been living here for a month. i logged onto facebook to find multiple “smear campaigns” written against my toothpaste. one of these woman had her son fall on his face and chipped his teeth and blamed my toothpaste. the other woman had her teeth get worse while using it.
now i am being attacked virtually. i have women demanding i call them. threatening to SUE me. disparaging me and my intentions. saying that i am a charlatan and that i am disgusting for making these products in my home. they literally turned me, in their minds, into a mal-intentioned monster. i was so shocked how this could be part of my reality when my top intention has always and will always be to create and provide healing products. i never advertised, i never made any claims (my customers made them!!). I have so many people all over the web writing about my product saying positive things, yet these two women’s testimonies against me seems to, at least at that moment, top all the other experiences. people have filed PayPal disputes against me! demanded refunds…. etc etc.
now, i want to be clear, there are ways to use a remineralizing paste that could potentially not be beneficial. if you over-scrub your ailing teeth, it is almost like using a scrub brush to scrub neosporin into a wound. if you have an extremely dry mouth and acidic saliva, you are not going to have much luck in terms of your teeth absorbing vitamins. i try to make these points clear in my instructions, but being that i am not the one taking care of these people’s mouths, there is most definitely room for user error.
i was shaking, i was so fucking scared. was my paste really hurting people even though so many people said it healed them? was this my fault? i was forced to look at my self so brutally honest. and i saw exactly what it was that drew in this experience for me.
even though i had the 95% majority intention based off of providing healing (literally gave speeches about it to my team all the damn time), there WAS a small portion of me that was wanting to sell more and desiring for people to buy more. on a small, but still real level my intention was that i wanted everyone to buy my paste. of course, there is NO healing product that is going to be right for everyone! just like an herb that can be medicinal for me can hurt you and vice verse.
SO, what have i done? it’s scary when my income and security is in jeapordy, this is a major fucking spiritual test for me!!
but, what i have realized is that my soul intended to come into this life with no lenience for me deviating from my soul purpose. even that small fraction of fear-based belief that wanted to sell more (out of an intention to have security for my family) was enough to draw into me customers who were not there for healing; but who were vibrationally a match to my fear-based issues around money (of COURSE they demanded their money back!)
now, i am fully anchoring back into my true souls purpose; to create healing products for the world. and on top of that, i fully surrender to the divine. i am a servant. i no longer will ever let fears about money seep into my consciousness. my only intention is to create the highest quality products and my secondary intention is that i pull in those who can truly heal with them. that is it. that is my mission right there in those two lines. i surrender to my divine duty and i know that the divine will take care of me for following my souls intended path!
and you know what? i feel better today that i have in weeks. i am inspired again, my soul is on FIRE with creativity. I am already in the midst of creating tinctures and healing products that are unlike anything else out there. I feel alive, my sacral chakra beaming with life once again. Creating and selling a bajillion toothpastes was cool, but not my life purpose. Creating them on such a mass level made it lose it’s shine and it became a chore.
So here i am, we have sold one toothpaste in the past two days, but i am stepping into full TRUST. i am anchored in it. I am spending my money to invest in creating the absolute best quality products that i can.
just a little sneak peak; but i will be creating herbal inhalers that will topically treat the lungs for pneumonia, dry lung, and excessive mucuous.
i am also creating tinctures and creams that provide natural, healthy, and balanced feelings of ecstasy! an incredibly unique blend that will contain herbs, flower essences, crystals and will be only created with the absolute purest intentions. this means they will only be made after meditation, after saging, while listening to holy sounds and healing mantras. they will be infused with solar or lunar energies (depending on the intention) and will absolutely be the most divinely healing products you’ve ever come across…
i will be using ancient ayurvedic applications of herbs, which means that your lotion will not just nourish your skin, but it may also treat your anxiety and depression.
that being said, we will still be selling our toothpaste (i have had many messages from customers who begged me not to stop selling)… BUT, i want to truly perfect the consistency and texture so there will be some minor changes. We will also be upping the energy and intention behind our creation and utilizing vibrational healing methods such as sound bowls, mantra, crystals, flower essences, etc.
so there is the story about how a seemingly-awful event has been utilized by me in the highest way. i have used the pain to guide me to unhealed parts of myself. i have used the reflection to bring my back to my soul’s purpose.
It's often said that birth is like death, that they are two sides of the same coin...
However, my meditation with Echo last night showed me that they aren't two sides of the same coin... They are the SAME side. Death is not like birth, death IS birth.
Just as in the death of the physical body, the death of the purely energetic / astral experience can be scary and overwhlem the spirit with overwhelming feelings of loss.
Prior to coming to us, our babies are full, whole, and capable energetic beings. They are used to operating an energetic body and are surrounded by a loving family of friends, actual family members, ancestors, spirit guides, and ascended masters...
When a spirit chooses to incarnate, they are still having to step out of they astral experience into an unknown. Yes they have been here before, just like we have been on the "other side" before... But it is not what we are used to, it is not where we are used to being, and it is not where our most recent "family" is.
Babies come to us, divine & whole. They are simply in a new body that they have not yet learned how to control. They are bravely stepping into the unknown, away from their comfort, because they have chosen this experience to facilitate their soul's growth and evolution.
Just as what we call death is death of our physical body, "birth" is death of the astral experience. Knowing this can offer a deeper understanding of what we can do to support our newborns in this time of transition.
Hold space for them... Don't take it personally if they need to do some processing and express pain for the loss of their previous experience... Love them through the pain. These times are crucial in forming TRUST with them... There is no better way to support these new souls than to hold them and stand with them in a loving strength as they process their pain. <3
Last night Echo cried for an hour straight.
I tried everything; I changed his diaper, I rocked him, burped him, nursed him... gave him a pacifier, made him gripe water, gave him a massage.. checked his body for anything that might hurt... held him in 90 different positions. Nothing "worked". He just kept crying.
I was being so triggered. From not being able to calm him, my mind was reeling... I wondered if he didn't love me... if my energy was "bad" and was aggravating to him.. If I did something "wrong"?
I decided that I was going to look at him, connect in with his energy, and try to be open to any messages that I could receive as to why he was crying and what I could do to help...
I looked at him and allowed myself to take him in; his energy, his expression, his pain. I realized that he was emotionally struggling with this huge transition.... I am used to being here, in this realm... in this body. I know how to work my arms and legs. I am familiar with my family. He's not. He's so new. Stepping into this realm, he stepped out of another. He left his identification with his energy body and stepped into a physical one that he has no idea how to work. He left being in direct contact with his spirit guides, and his family and friends who are currently in spirit form.
He misses them. He misses the subtly of the astral experience. He is struggling with his heavy, burdened physical body... A body that can get rashes and owwies and stomach aches.
I realized that there was nothing I needed to "fix". I realized that him crying didn't mean that I did something wrong. It didn't mean that there was something wrong with him.
The experience he is going through is HARD. It isn't like death, it is death. It's death of his experience in the astral world and it is just as emotionally difficult as death from the physical world. It is a separation not just from the form he knows, but from the connections that he knows. Yes, he chose us, and yes, he chose to come here. But it doesn't make it easy... it doesn't mean that he is going to immediately feel that love and trust for me that comes with shared time and experience.
I realized that all he needed me to do was to hold him, support him, and let him process. There was no need to distract him away from his feelings.
I also realized that this was my blessing and my opportunity to stand up and support my babe... I told him, "it's okay Echo, you cry as much as you need to. I will be here with you."
Crying is something that we are so uncomfortable with. When we hear crying, we automatically think that there is something that needs to be fixed, that there is something that is WRONG... What an unhealthy relationship that is with our own emotions. In this experience, heavy emotions will enter our energy field and that is OK and expected. What is not healthy is not allowing ourselves to feel them. It keeps them trapped in our field and, after time, manifests as emotional, physical, and mental ailments.
Why have we become so collectively afraid of difficult emotions? Why are we so triggered? I had an entire mental soundtrack of my own doubts about my self-worth reeling through my mind triggered by the tears of my newborn baby. This reaction to heavy emotions is hereditary. It is what we were taught by our parents when we were infants. When we cried, we felt them close off, we felt them get insecure and upset and frustrated. When you are an infant, and you feels your parents pull back... it feels like life or death... Like your survival is at stake. Of COURSE, we are going to to supress our emotions.
These unhealthy reactions to emotions are developed at an age where we can't even consciously remember. Our reactions to heavy feelings are embedded deep into our subconscious.. Good thing our kids are here to pull them out.
The best thing we can do to heal both ourselves and our children? Work through our own resistance to certain emotions so that we can allow them to flow, so that we don't force our kids into that same burying of our emotions that we've been doing since we were there age.
I could feel his crying triggering and pulling to the surface so many of my own, unhealthy thoughts and feelings. I had to constantly anchor myself into the loving energy that I needed to be in to support and hold space for Echo. Annoyance, fear, frustration, feelings of not being good enough, feelings of being "bad" and "impure"... they were ALL pulled to the surface and forced to be let go so that I could hold space for my son..
It was amazing. Through his "colicy fit" came so much good. I was able to heal, he was able to heal... and we were both able to grow and strengthen our own realtionship. I was able to put my feelings aside and really step up and be there for him as a mother. Realtionships grow most when things are hard, when things are not comfortbale. Anyone will be around when things are good, but I got to show my Echo that I was going to be there for him even when things weren't good.
Why have we come so far from trusting ourselves? We are a society of people who have no idea what we like, what we want, or what even TRULY makes us happy.
For years we are told what we want. We tell our mom we want a cookie and we are told "NO! That isn't good for you!" From birth, the idea that what we WANT and what feels GOOD to us, is infact, NOT GOOD. Beyond being not good, it's "BAD". The idea that we cannot trust our feelings, that our feelings are inherently wrong and will lead to our demise is the false premise that our lives are built around.
When we want a toy, we are told we are spoiled and unappreciative. When we feel like talking in class instead of absorbing absurd and regurgitated, meaningless facts, we now have a psychological condition that requires medication.
As we get older, we may get in a relationship. Do we even like the people we're with? I remember having a crush on a boy when I first got to La Jolla High. I was from a private school and I didn't have many friends, nor did I know who the "cool kids" were. The boy I liked, began to like me back. He treated me well, even brought me a big bag of my favorite sour candies. However, one day, one of my new friends told me "that dude is a loser, Jenna. He is a nerd. He's gross."
So unsure of myself, so unsure that I could really even trust what I felt after a lifetime of being told I couldn't, I assumed that my friend's judgements were more on-point than my own. I looked at that poor boy again, but now through a borrowed-lense of my friend's judgement. I decided to "realize" that I didn't really like him... He was too much of a "nerd". I mean, how the fuck was I supposed to know what I liked anyways?
What about when we get a bit older? When we end up with partners who we "think" are good for us (because god knows we can't discern what FEELS good). They may be attractive, which we know will gain our superficial mother's approval and probably give us some credibility with our friends. They may be strict, just like our dads were.. Which gives us a feeling of safety, because we need someone to keep us in line!
Logically, we have convinced ourself that things feel good! However, when he screams and gets violent because we hang out with our "slutty" friends... we know it feels bad....
But only for a minute.. Because just like how we justified our dad yelling at us ( "He is doing it because he loves me, he just wants the best for me") we turn away from our heart, which is SCREAMING at us, "this hurts, it doesn't feel good to be yelled at or berated"... We move away from our heart and step into our mind and remind ourselves that our feelings aren't right. Shit, we may even tell ourselves that we were the stupid ones for even having hung out with our friends! We convince ourselves that we are grateful for a partner who cares enough to put us in our place, just like our parents did. We shove those feelings down, We crumble in our gass-lit haze.
Can we even begin to fathom how different our lives would look if we were taught that our feelings were real? What if instead of forcing you to hug your pervy uncle, your mom looked at you and said ,"Never do anything that doesn't feel right to you. This feeling you are feeling right now is IMPORTANT and it is true. Remember this feeling, remember what it feels like when your body tells you no. ALWAYS listen to this feeling".
If our childhood was used to reinforce that we all are born with WORKING intuitive compasses which are the most precise tools for guiding us down the right path, we would have spent far less time traveling down roads filled with pain.
Most of us are at the point, where we have been living in a full state of distrust for so long, that we can hardly even trust ourselves to choose the right breakfast... let alone affirm to our children that we can and SHOULD trust ourselves.
Let us affirm to ourselves that our feelings are RIGHT, they are true, and we can trust them. Envision holding baby you in your arms.... See and feel the purity of that newly-incarnated soul. Is there anything mal-intented about that baby? That baby is totally and wholly embodied and enveloped in divine TRUTH... That baby is you, it is the core of who you are. Try to connect in with that pure spirit that is the core of you and allow it to speak to you and tell you what you want.
When you fully follow your joy, your feelings will lead you to only immerse yourself in things that are in line with your highest potential. Yes, sometimes eating a cookie IS exactly what your body needs. We live in a world where nothing is inherently bad or good. Kale could actually be poisonous for someone with a weak digestion and heavy vata (air) imbalance. For someone with this type of a constitution, an oily, greasy cooky would be much more medicinal. Just as taking a day in bed, resting, and eating takeout may be exactly what brings you to a place of wholeness.
The answer to the question "what is good for me?" changes not just daily... or hourly... but moment to moment. The only one who can answer this question is YOU. The only place you can access this answer is in your heart space. Spend more time there, get to really FEEL what it feels like to you when something is RIGHT. Never forget that feeling, never justify or "logic-ify" it away. Live your life in line with that answer and see where it leads you. This is the best thing you can do for yourself, for your family, and for your kids,
Follow your bliss...
And support, allow, and ENCOURAGE your children to do the same.
"I follow my joy, I trust myself"
This is a blog I wrote sometime last year, but it's just been shoved away in some file on my computer. I think it is pretty awesome and I wanted to share..
Ok women, I want you to imagine that you are living with your vagina pulled inside out- dangling from your body and wholly unprotected. It’s sensitivity exposed to the world.
Ok, so now I’m sure I have your attention, lol. But, in all seriousness, this is a great level of vulnerability that is at the core of a man’s physical experience. How often do we women really appreciate and understand this fact? If you had this blatant “weak” or sensitive spot- you would learn to act in a way that would prevent it from getting hurt. You would begin to act more quickly- to be less passive. To just DO. This “acting-without-thinking” quality that we so often associate with men is usually blamed on men’s black and white thinking- their inability to detect nuances and perceive shades of grey. Their “simplistic minds”- but this is so far from the truth!
Men, being so hyper exposed and overly sensitive develop quick reaction times in an attempt to protect themselves. It is not that they CAN’T feel- but because they feel so deeply and powerfully. But, when unmanaged, sensitivity can cause pain- and we fear and dread and -often- live our lives running from pain. - and thus the man was born.
Coming into this realm utterly exposed- wholly vulnerable. The “male” begins to act quickly and impulsively in an attempt to thwart the pain. They are constantly on-guard -ready to throw energy at you in aggressive way that will push the potential perpetrator away. They throw the energy out and around them as a defensive shield- as a buffer.This buffer dulls feelings, but also their intuition. Because of their disconnect from their intuition, they solidify beliefs about how need to protect themselves in their physical bodies. However, because of their disconnect from their intuition, their energy is not only thrown defensively at threats, but also at minor triggers of the false belief they’ve been holding onto.
There is certainly an unspoken truth among women that we are really the more grounded, stable, and more emotionally-intelligent gender. We compare men to dogs and laugh at their outbursts. We let them get away with hell because, one some levels because we believe they can’t be held to the standards we hold ourselves. We must shift this thinking and begin seeings men in their truth. We must respect their masculinity, which is fueled by an inherent sensitivity. We must trust their highly-sensitive nature, even if it is delivered in a not-so-tactful package. We must come to them from a place of compassions and understanding and assist them in using their sensitivity in productive ways. Because, us women, are masters and diving into the depths of emotions, we can help them so greatly in this respect. It is imperative that we begin to perceive the inherent sensitivity and fear of pain behind their actions, and generate empathy and compassion for their experience.
Both of us are magical, both of us are alchemsitsts; capable of intaking and transmuting energy. Because of our differing energetic structures, we have different strength and weaknesses. When we fully understand our perceived weaknesses, and see them in truth- we come to find that they double as our greatest gifts. Women, being less naturally sensitive, are more apt to hold onto painful sensations instead of needing to immediately act on them. This allows us to explore these sensations, to sink to their depths. Our ability to feel this deeply does not lie in an inherent weakness, but in an inherent strength.
On the other hand, men’s ability to act is not based out of a disconnect from feelings and emotions, but because of a deep inherent sensitivity. Let us disconnect from our preconceived notions about each gender and realize that we both are derived from a complex mix of complementary, but equally potent and magical properties. Let us all come together in appreciate and respect for our inherent nature and honor each other and the bodies that we chose to inhabit in this lifetime.
I believe that the first step in healing is to TRULY honor and embrace the sensitivity inherent to men- by giving importance and validity to their feelings. Just because we do not “undestand” them does not mean what they are perceiving is not truth… It just means we are not tuned into what they are tuned into. By honoring the perceptions of men we will give them the freedom to explore their intuitions, feelings, and nudges. When men connect fully into their sensitive nature and learn to exalt this potential “weakness” it will become their greatest strength- their magic, their gift. They will, as a gender, be exalted to their purest and highest form.
Sometimes I feel sort of weird about sharing my post personal writings publicly on my business page... It's like I am expected to give off this aura of being perfectly evolved to the point where I am free from all struggle. But, then I remember that is a lie. I want to share my truth with you all, because when I have a breakthrough like this, I am fucking proud of myself.... This stuff is hard, and when I am able to look at myself honestly I feel like it is the ultimate bravery. I share this to show, no matter what skills you have developed, there are always lessons for us in the here and now. Our pains, or fears, and our breakdowns can lead to our biggest breakthroughs and be our most amazing teachers... I love each and every soul who connects with me, so here I will share with you my "breakthrough" I had yesterday....
Sometimes you tell a story and you tell it honestly and, for the time, that is what you cling onto…. Then, sometimes, you allow yourself to sink deeper into those emotions and the things that you discover change your story- they show you a deeper component of it, essentially annhiliating the previous story you were holding onto. This is the experience I am having right now.
But this is just how life is. The same story constantly changes and evolves as our perspective grows.
I had been holding onto this idea that the pain I had experienced in this past year was a sort of energetic transfer that occurred during my last encounter with my ex. On some level it was, but, what a simplified version that was. I’d sort of allowed myself to settle on the initial “energy transfer” idea. It made sense, it described things as I felt them, being an energetically sensitive person.
Last night, I had some time to myself and I knew it was time for me to dive headfirst into the remnants of pain from this experience so that I could wholly and finally process through them and release them. My way of doing this is just by sitting down, freeing myself from all distractions, and inviting the pain in.. I sit with it, I feel it, I see it, I don’t run from it. It grows and it hurts, but in experiencing the pain it tells me it’s story. I started to see this pain that I had blamed on him at a deeper level…. more true to what it really was.
I started to recognize it as my own. It didn’t belong to him after all. In fact, he was the bandaid for it. The idea in my mind that someone loved me was the small bandaid I kept covering my deep wound of worthlessness. The idea that someone could love me, even if it was someone who didn’t treat me right… was enough pseudo-comfort to keep me from having to feel the depths of the pain and the fear that I had no value.
Now, let me connect the dots for you. When I got together with my ex, we were both coping with our issues through drugs. Be it weed, be it alcohol, be it whatever we could find… When feelings of worthlessness came up, that was my cover-up for the pain. For a while, it worked. However, we found ourselves in circumstances where these things were no longer an option.
I had really suppressed these memories deep down, but last night they came flooding back to me. I remember when I had to let go of weed, I had no idea how to cope with the disgust I felt for myself. My skin was breaking out terribly as a physical manifestation of how rechid i felt in my own skin. The disgust I felt for myself put me in the mindset that made me feel that my partner was such a generous soul, simple for being with someone as gross as me. I genuinely remember looking at him in admiration, thinking he was so strong for being brave enough to claim someone as ugly as me as his partner.
It didn’t matter if he screamed at me, if he lied, if he stayed out all night. I didn’t hold him to expectations because I felt sorry for HIM for being with ME... because I was so unlovable. I held desperately onto this relationship as it was the one “band-aid”, the one comfort, the one all-consuming distraction that I had left that prevented me from having to delve deeper into this wound.
Now, this was in 2012, almost 4 years ago. Physically and emotionally, things have changed a lot for me since then. I have grown a lot, I’ve faced a lot of fears and limiting beliefs about myself. To the point, where for a time I felt like “I was healed”.
Then, last summer, I experienced the band-aid being ripped off and exposing that wound that had been covered for so long that I nearly forgot it existed.
As I finally felt the last remaining remnants of that “love" slip away, I no longer had the comfort of my delusion that “I can’t be THAT worthless because at least there is someone who loves me….”
I may have blamed him, but the wound was my own. He may have acted as a sturdy ace bandage for some time, but, you know what…. This wound was never going to heal unless I dove back into the pain, which is what this loss has forced me to do.
This is life, in a nutshell. Anything built on pain is destined to crumble. Only when we have bravely jumped back into our wounds (or are fucking forcefully pushed back into them which is often the case) can we heal and create out of a place of wholeness, only then do we create things which are sustainable.
My number one indication of being in a good place is when I welcome in the pain, because I am so consciously aware that through the pain is the only way to wholeness.
Wow, how long as my fear kept me from diving into this pain…. But there it is, I felt it, and just as I did, that “2012 Jenna” was released from her internal frozen state within myself. Just like that, I become a little bit more whole. No longer do the little triggers that would hurt that sensitive old Jenna hurt me. I let her go and in doing that I become more anchored in my current self, more free to live in the now, and more free to create and build my dreams out of a place of wholeness and truth…. instead of fear.
Today in my intuitive skills class. we spent time connecting in with different spirit animals. I have always been drawn to the snake as in Jyotish I have an Aslesha ascendant, which represents the nagas or the serpent deities. Even though they are seen as deities, most descriptions totally fail to capture the essence of snake energy and crudely describe them as demonic; what a gross misunderstanding this is! Categorizing things like this is based out of the same energy that religious zealots use to try to perpetuate the falasy of good vs. evil. Things can simple not be broken down like that and perpetuating that ideology only leads to generalizations based off fear that prevent people from discerning qualities themselves.
The energy of the snake is vastly misunderstood and very feared, but they play an important and powerful role in this universe. They have achieved, through mastery of poison, the power to work with poisons. No powers are given unless deserved, so all serpents have earned their right to the poison they behold.
My connection with snakes made it no surprise that I felt serpent energy sternly in class today. We were being asked to connect in with collective animal spirits to relay the message that they believed the world needed to hear on their behalf. After I connected in, I could literally NOT focus on anything until I took the time to write out the message snake spirit wanted me to convey;
Snake spirit says, "you fear what you cannot understand, but fear is not the proper emotion as it brings understanding, but through more difficult circumstances. Respect is a softer route of learning, because through respect you acknowledge we know something that you cannot yet see. By giving us respect, you open up the pathways for us to teach you. The only creatures that can administer poison have worked up the capacity to hold that poison within themselves. Through having lived and experiences the nature of the poison, we begin to understand it and gain the right to work with it. Within poison lies the most potent medicine. Medicine and poison have no energetic difference, it is the physical embodiment of pure and potent power, like a surgical knife that can be used to heal or to kill. It's results depend on administration. As you learn to contain power within yourself, you gain the privilege of administering others. There is a reason that the snake doesn't perish though it holds poison within its own body." An interesting story to go along with this is that of a yogi who gradually introduced poison into his system until he had flowing through his veins more poison than the snake. He was bit by a venomous snake and the moment the snake bit him- the snake died.
My first blog post will be an interesting one as I unknowingly began to write it over a year ago.
This time last year, I was elevated. I was coming into myself, coming into positive, loving relationships with people who understood me unlike I had ever been understood before. I was beginning to understand my place in this world; what made me uniques, my gifts, what I had to offer.
I felt comfortable and at home with my body and with the constant varying flow of sensations that passed through it. I had been spending time with myself. I knew myself and I knew how to take care of myself. To be quite honest, I was feeling on top of the world. Little did I know how unstable things would become.
In July of 2015 I took my daughter to visit her father for the first time in several months. He had previously been arrested on very serious charges and was unable to come down here to visit. I didn't take her up there because he had been harassing me and being extremely verbally abusive on more than one occasion. However, something in me shifted and when he asked me to bring her up there, I agreed.
This was my first time returning to the life that I had left behind when I left him and moved with my daughter back down to San Diego. I was driving with the same man, on the same streets, past the same home that my daughter spent her early days in. The deep feeling of that loss- the loss of the old sham of a life I had, started to sit heavy on my heart. It was a hard pill for me to swallow that my ex really wasn't going to get it together and be the father that my daughter needed or the husband that i deserved. He would be kind for a moment, and my mind would fool me into thinking that maybe he saw, just for a second, what he was losing. Any that, maybe he would want to make things right.
He made moves to get with me and, for the first time in over a year since we split, I allowed it. I thought I could "heal him with my love". I knew he was in pain, I knew that his awful actions were a reflection of his deviation from truth... and it was hard for me to let him go. I saw what his life was turning into.... and I felt like I was strong enough and centered enough in myself to connect with him without risking myself. I was wrong.
After our time together, I felt strongly connected to him like I hadn't in many months, a feeling I think many women can relate to. It was in these moments of deep connection with him that he began to unleash his pain onto me. He told me that my business was a joke and wouldn't support a life. He ridiculed everything from the way I dressed, to the way my body looked, to my mothering skills. He made fun of my ideas, talked down to me, and actually yelled at me in public, in front of strangers and multiple times in front of my daughter. It wasn't like this behavior was unusual from him, he was hurt and he was a cruel energy to behold, but because of the recent deeming of energetic connections with him, these words sunk in.... Initially I told myself they were wrong, that he was delusional. But, after time, the doubts crept in. I wondered if he was telling me these things out of a place of love? That is another blog post in itself why my mind inadvertently goes to assuming that abusive and hateful words indicate love... but it was my thought nonetheless.
It wasn't that I believed him wholeheartedly, but those words planted seeds in my heart that were too painful to deal with. Because I ran from the pain, because I didn't confront that pain, the seeds blossomed into full blown self-depricating beliefs. I started to think he was probably right. Maybe I WAS a loser because I don't go to a "normal college" and just spend all day watching my child (with no help). These are the thoughts I allowed myself to believe, because I was too afraid to confront the fact that he didn't love me. It was easier to believe that he did and that these words came from a place of love.
I can give a briefer overview of what occurred over the next few months. The pain and confusion grew to the point where I did not trust myself in the slightest. I gave up my business, I cut out everyone who cared about me. I isolated myself and desperately tried to get back in touch with my truth. Because I was too afraid to examine my false beliefs about love, I couldn't tell who really loved me. I felt utterly alone and created a reality where I actually was utterly alone.
... Now, it has been over a year since that initial reconnection with my ex and I am fucking GRATEFUL to say I have processed through and faced one of the biggest, most painful, scariest fears of my life. It has been hard and painful work, and I am grateful that it is something that is behind me now. I've learned lessons that are beyond valuable about love, about myself... I will never ever again make the mistake of creating a deep energetic connection with a person who does not have the utmost *true* love, respect and admiration for my being. All in all, it was an excruciatingly difficult time, but through this experience I have worked through pains and fears that are incarnations old. Sometimes, unfortunately, we force ourself to learn things the hard way... And I sure can be one of those folks (haha, is that obvious?)
Anyways, I wanted to give an update to any of my dear, loving friends who have been emotionally, energetically, and physically disconnected from me. I love you all and thank you for your understanding as I learn, grow, and make mistakes.
Now, back to the connection from last year.... Some of you probably know that there was an incident involving my ex trying to kidnap my child. Well, this has been a fear that I've dealt with for quite some time, just having dealt with his nature and way of dealing with things before. Last year, I was dealing with similar circumstances, but because I was energetically aware of what I was doing and what I was creating, I dove into the pain and was able to transmute it. The VERY next day, I received a call that my ex was likely going to look at a long jail term. Just like that, my fear was nonexistent. By transmuting my energetic fear, the physical reality that offered any danger had shifted to being completely and utterly safe.
This was an article I wrote last year. An eerie foreshadowing of what would be to come, nearly a year later. Never again will I run from my fears, never again will I not take the time to sit myself, to embrace and transmute them.. Anyways, here it is;
How to be an Alchemist:
To be an alchemist you must be willing to feel.
Feeling is your magic wand. Feelings is how you transform your wounds by chiseling them into superpowers.
Life’s pains come to us, not to punish is, but simply because we are a vibrational match to these situations.
We are a match to the situation because we carry an identical vibration within ourselves. This could present either as a “fear” or as a “desire” for the situation. With either emotion, we are continuously making energetic deposits to the situation and beginning to manifest it, to pull it in.
For example; say I have a fear that my ex husband is going to take my daughter from me.
that thought is extremely painful for me to think.
My initial reaction to that thought is the desire to STOP there- stop thinking about it. Move on, suppress that emotion. This is an unconscious reaction because at one point I had determined that fear was “painful”. I have also taught myself that “pain” means my life is in jeopardy.
Because of my perceived threat, I have, in an act of self-preservation, attempted to “protect” myself from running from this feeling…
but, in suppressing that emotion… All I do is stagnate it inside me.
Instead of being Jenna, feeling fear.
The fear begins to settle and begins to become me.
The lower energies of that unprocessed emotions begin to dull my perceptions- ever so slightly. I begin to forget that it is even there.
-But it is.
Because I have gone the route of suppression, does not mean I can avoid this lesson forever.
Because I now retain this vibration of “fear of losing my daughter”,
I now magnetically pull in a situation that will force me to examine this fear.
It is not out of hate or punishment-
but simply because this divine universe knows my limitlessness
and in that discovery my fears must dissolve.