My first blog post will be an interesting one as I unknowingly began to write it over a year ago.
This time last year, I was elevated. I was coming into myself, coming into positive, loving relationships with people who understood me unlike I had ever been understood before. I was beginning to understand my place in this world; what made me uniques, my gifts, what I had to offer.
I felt comfortable and at home with my body and with the constant varying flow of sensations that passed through it. I had been spending time with myself. I knew myself and I knew how to take care of myself. To be quite honest, I was feeling on top of the world. Little did I know how unstable things would become.
In July of 2015 I took my daughter to visit her father for the first time in several months. He had previously been arrested on very serious charges and was unable to come down here to visit. I didn't take her up there because he had been harassing me and being extremely verbally abusive on more than one occasion. However, something in me shifted and when he asked me to bring her up there, I agreed.
This was my first time returning to the life that I had left behind when I left him and moved with my daughter back down to San Diego. I was driving with the same man, on the same streets, past the same home that my daughter spent her early days in. The deep feeling of that loss- the loss of the old sham of a life I had, started to sit heavy on my heart. It was a hard pill for me to swallow that my ex really wasn't going to get it together and be the father that my daughter needed or the husband that i deserved. He would be kind for a moment, and my mind would fool me into thinking that maybe he saw, just for a second, what he was losing. Any that, maybe he would want to make things right.
He made moves to get with me and, for the first time in over a year since we split, I allowed it. I thought I could "heal him with my love". I knew he was in pain, I knew that his awful actions were a reflection of his deviation from truth... and it was hard for me to let him go. I saw what his life was turning into.... and I felt like I was strong enough and centered enough in myself to connect with him without risking myself. I was wrong.
After our time together, I felt strongly connected to him like I hadn't in many months, a feeling I think many women can relate to. It was in these moments of deep connection with him that he began to unleash his pain onto me. He told me that my business was a joke and wouldn't support a life. He ridiculed everything from the way I dressed, to the way my body looked, to my mothering skills. He made fun of my ideas, talked down to me, and actually yelled at me in public, in front of strangers and multiple times in front of my daughter. It wasn't like this behavior was unusual from him, he was hurt and he was a cruel energy to behold, but because of the recent deeming of energetic connections with him, these words sunk in.... Initially I told myself they were wrong, that he was delusional. But, after time, the doubts crept in. I wondered if he was telling me these things out of a place of love? That is another blog post in itself why my mind inadvertently goes to assuming that abusive and hateful words indicate love... but it was my thought nonetheless.
It wasn't that I believed him wholeheartedly, but those words planted seeds in my heart that were too painful to deal with. Because I ran from the pain, because I didn't confront that pain, the seeds blossomed into full blown self-depricating beliefs. I started to think he was probably right. Maybe I WAS a loser because I don't go to a "normal college" and just spend all day watching my child (with no help). These are the thoughts I allowed myself to believe, because I was too afraid to confront the fact that he didn't love me. It was easier to believe that he did and that these words came from a place of love.
I can give a briefer overview of what occurred over the next few months. The pain and confusion grew to the point where I did not trust myself in the slightest. I gave up my business, I cut out everyone who cared about me. I isolated myself and desperately tried to get back in touch with my truth. Because I was too afraid to examine my false beliefs about love, I couldn't tell who really loved me. I felt utterly alone and created a reality where I actually was utterly alone.
... Now, it has been over a year since that initial reconnection with my ex and I am fucking GRATEFUL to say I have processed through and faced one of the biggest, most painful, scariest fears of my life. It has been hard and painful work, and I am grateful that it is something that is behind me now. I've learned lessons that are beyond valuable about love, about myself... I will never ever again make the mistake of creating a deep energetic connection with a person who does not have the utmost *true* love, respect and admiration for my being. All in all, it was an excruciatingly difficult time, but through this experience I have worked through pains and fears that are incarnations old. Sometimes, unfortunately, we force ourself to learn things the hard way... And I sure can be one of those folks (haha, is that obvious?)
Anyways, I wanted to give an update to any of my dear, loving friends who have been emotionally, energetically, and physically disconnected from me. I love you all and thank you for your understanding as I learn, grow, and make mistakes.
Now, back to the connection from last year.... Some of you probably know that there was an incident involving my ex trying to kidnap my child. Well, this has been a fear that I've dealt with for quite some time, just having dealt with his nature and way of dealing with things before. Last year, I was dealing with similar circumstances, but because I was energetically aware of what I was doing and what I was creating, I dove into the pain and was able to transmute it. The VERY next day, I received a call that my ex was likely going to look at a long jail term. Just like that, my fear was nonexistent. By transmuting my energetic fear, the physical reality that offered any danger had shifted to being completely and utterly safe.
This was an article I wrote last year. An eerie foreshadowing of what would be to come, nearly a year later. Never again will I run from my fears, never again will I not take the time to sit myself, to embrace and transmute them.. Anyways, here it is;
How to be an Alchemist:
To be an alchemist you must be willing to feel.
Feeling is your magic wand. Feelings is how you transform your wounds by chiseling them into superpowers.
Life’s pains come to us, not to punish is, but simply because we are a vibrational match to these situations.
We are a match to the situation because we carry an identical vibration within ourselves. This could present either as a “fear” or as a “desire” for the situation. With either emotion, we are continuously making energetic deposits to the situation and beginning to manifest it, to pull it in.
For example; say I have a fear that my ex husband is going to take my daughter from me.
that thought is extremely painful for me to think.
My initial reaction to that thought is the desire to STOP there- stop thinking about it. Move on, suppress that emotion. This is an unconscious reaction because at one point I had determined that fear was “painful”. I have also taught myself that “pain” means my life is in jeopardy.
Because of my perceived threat, I have, in an act of self-preservation, attempted to “protect” myself from running from this feeling…
but, in suppressing that emotion… All I do is stagnate it inside me.
Instead of being Jenna, feeling fear.
The fear begins to settle and begins to become me.
The lower energies of that unprocessed emotions begin to dull my perceptions- ever so slightly. I begin to forget that it is even there.
-But it is.
Because I have gone the route of suppression, does not mean I can avoid this lesson forever.
Because I now retain this vibration of “fear of losing my daughter”,
I now magnetically pull in a situation that will force me to examine this fear.
It is not out of hate or punishment-
but simply because this divine universe knows my limitlessness
and in that discovery my fears must dissolve.