Sometimes I feel sort of weird about sharing my post personal writings publicly on my business page... It's like I am expected to give off this aura of being perfectly evolved to the point where I am free from all struggle. But, then I remember that is a lie. I want to share my truth with you all, because when I have a breakthrough like this, I am fucking proud of myself.... This stuff is hard, and when I am able to look at myself honestly I feel like it is the ultimate bravery. I share this to show, no matter what skills you have developed, there are always lessons for us in the here and now. Our pains, or fears, and our breakdowns can lead to our biggest breakthroughs and be our most amazing teachers... I love each and every soul who connects with me, so here I will share with you my "breakthrough" I had yesterday....
Sometimes you tell a story and you tell it honestly and, for the time, that is what you cling onto…. Then, sometimes, you allow yourself to sink deeper into those emotions and the things that you discover change your story- they show you a deeper component of it, essentially annhiliating the previous story you were holding onto. This is the experience I am having right now.
But this is just how life is. The same story constantly changes and evolves as our perspective grows.
I had been holding onto this idea that the pain I had experienced in this past year was a sort of energetic transfer that occurred during my last encounter with my ex. On some level it was, but, what a simplified version that was. I’d sort of allowed myself to settle on the initial “energy transfer” idea. It made sense, it described things as I felt them, being an energetically sensitive person.
Last night, I had some time to myself and I knew it was time for me to dive headfirst into the remnants of pain from this experience so that I could wholly and finally process through them and release them. My way of doing this is just by sitting down, freeing myself from all distractions, and inviting the pain in.. I sit with it, I feel it, I see it, I don’t run from it. It grows and it hurts, but in experiencing the pain it tells me it’s story. I started to see this pain that I had blamed on him at a deeper level…. more true to what it really was.
I started to recognize it as my own. It didn’t belong to him after all. In fact, he was the bandaid for it. The idea in my mind that someone loved me was the small bandaid I kept covering my deep wound of worthlessness. The idea that someone could love me, even if it was someone who didn’t treat me right… was enough pseudo-comfort to keep me from having to feel the depths of the pain and the fear that I had no value.
Now, let me connect the dots for you. When I got together with my ex, we were both coping with our issues through drugs. Be it weed, be it alcohol, be it whatever we could find… When feelings of worthlessness came up, that was my cover-up for the pain. For a while, it worked. However, we found ourselves in circumstances where these things were no longer an option.
I had really suppressed these memories deep down, but last night they came flooding back to me. I remember when I had to let go of weed, I had no idea how to cope with the disgust I felt for myself. My skin was breaking out terribly as a physical manifestation of how rechid i felt in my own skin. The disgust I felt for myself put me in the mindset that made me feel that my partner was such a generous soul, simple for being with someone as gross as me. I genuinely remember looking at him in admiration, thinking he was so strong for being brave enough to claim someone as ugly as me as his partner.
It didn’t matter if he screamed at me, if he lied, if he stayed out all night. I didn’t hold him to expectations because I felt sorry for HIM for being with ME... because I was so unlovable. I held desperately onto this relationship as it was the one “band-aid”, the one comfort, the one all-consuming distraction that I had left that prevented me from having to delve deeper into this wound.
Now, this was in 2012, almost 4 years ago. Physically and emotionally, things have changed a lot for me since then. I have grown a lot, I’ve faced a lot of fears and limiting beliefs about myself. To the point, where for a time I felt like “I was healed”.
Then, last summer, I experienced the band-aid being ripped off and exposing that wound that had been covered for so long that I nearly forgot it existed.
As I finally felt the last remaining remnants of that “love" slip away, I no longer had the comfort of my delusion that “I can’t be THAT worthless because at least there is someone who loves me….”
I may have blamed him, but the wound was my own. He may have acted as a sturdy ace bandage for some time, but, you know what…. This wound was never going to heal unless I dove back into the pain, which is what this loss has forced me to do.
This is life, in a nutshell. Anything built on pain is destined to crumble. Only when we have bravely jumped back into our wounds (or are fucking forcefully pushed back into them which is often the case) can we heal and create out of a place of wholeness, only then do we create things which are sustainable.
My number one indication of being in a good place is when I welcome in the pain, because I am so consciously aware that through the pain is the only way to wholeness.
Wow, how long as my fear kept me from diving into this pain…. But there it is, I felt it, and just as I did, that “2012 Jenna” was released from her internal frozen state within myself. Just like that, I become a little bit more whole. No longer do the little triggers that would hurt that sensitive old Jenna hurt me. I let her go and in doing that I become more anchored in my current self, more free to live in the now, and more free to create and build my dreams out of a place of wholeness and truth…. instead of fear.